March 2011
“The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has...”
– Terence Mann (via rulesformyunbornson)
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Is it considered nostalgia when the time about...
I just got a friend request from the groomsman at my sister’s wedding who tried to cheat on his girlfriend with me (she’s now his fiance).
I was so drunk that night that my response to his proposition was “BRB,” when I hobbled to the bathroom, tried to throw up, and then made my date drive me home.
I puked in my date’s car. Worse: it was his dad’s car, which...
Someone in the Office Is Getting a New Nickname
Me: We need to find b-roll locations for the "white kids." Wait, we need to come up with a new nick name for them.
Co-worker: How about the caucazoids?
Me: Cockazoids? WAIT! NO! I'M NOT CALLING THEM COCK-AZOIDS!!!
Co-worker: How does Lady Gaga order her steaks?
Me: Oh, Jesus. Tell me.
Co-worker: Raw raw raw-raw-raw.
Me: You're fired. Get out of my office.*
*He's senior to me.
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Hitting "Reply All" Isn't Always Obnoxious
My boss is out of town today, so it means we can choose a place for lunch outside the three restaurants he likes.
Clearly, we can’t handle the responsibility. The following conversation happened over a series of “Reply All” e-mails.
Co-worker 1: Anyone have ideas for lunch?
Co-worker #2: Bologna sandwiches for all, no condiments.*
Me: I think I just became a vegetarian.
...
“One swallow does not make a summer.”
– Quote taken out of context from Downton Abbey.
I’m so obsessed with BBC Masterpiece Theater it’s not even funny.
“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever...”
– F. Scott Fitzgerald
Words to live by.
(via partyforone)
kylekinane:
Hey boobs, get over here.
I can’t tell if he’s talking to me, since this was my sorority nick name.
“You’re a fucking rockstar. I’m going to start calling you Jesus.”
– Statement A does not agree with Statement B, but when you pull something off so big at work people want to name you after a messiah… you just accept it.
Uh ohhhh. →
dodgers:
So the goal has been reached and Giants fans are going to be flying a banner over Dodger stadium on Opening Day flaunting their win. (Hopefully paying the Air Force to fly planes over the stadium can get us a no-fly zone for a little while or Frank just pays the plane company more money then they are to NOT fly over).
BUT. Should this actually end up happening, I ask of you Dodger...
My Brother and I, Talking about Balls (Our Balls)
Alex: Dr. Leach asked about your balls.
Me: They itch. Oh, you mean my EYEballs? They're great. Never better.
Alex: Apologies all around. I meant eyeballs. You know me... always thinking about balls.
Me: Well my eyeballs work like magic. But my other balls... they need a different kind of laser treatment.
Alex: It doesn't work. Trust me.
'Pole Dancing for Jesus' Class Causes Controversy →
I’m sharing this link with you because I’m your friend and I want to make you laugh.
You’re welcome.
JaRule has his own VEVO channel. →
Presented without comment.
Wouldn't that be ironic if Chris Brown got a... →
“And before you worked here, were you an ass scientist? Because your ass blah...”
– Tracy Morgan, the real pick-up artist, 30 Rock.
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My hips are killing me from yesterday’s overzealous treadmill run, as in walk-like-I-participated-in-a-gang-bang killing me.
And now I’m pretty sure my co-workers think I’m nuts, since every time someone walks by, I’m doing some new weird pose to stretch my hips out.
Don’t worry, guys. I’m just lungeing.
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In which I brag about running a 5K on a treadmill...
I was pretty high on myself, having run 3 1/4 miles on a treadmill without dying of boredom or exhaustion. Up ‘til today, the most I’ve run without a short walk break in between was a little less than 2 miles. “I could’ve easily done 5,” I left thinking.
And then I had a sugar crash in the middle of Trader Joe’s, shaking like a diabetic on the Master...
kateskute:
themusiclibrary:
Holiday From Real...
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Don’t ever say no to Yes.
“Owner of...
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