July 2009
Every once in a while I’ll hear an old song...
I'm Sorry, Was that Meant for Me?
I just got the shit-eye up and down from a pregnant woman at the doctor’s office. REALLY?!?
Excuse the following snobbish rant. It’s been one hell of a day:
Listen lady, we get it. You’re having a kid. Congratulations. But guess what? It’s not my fault you don’t fit into your old jeans. Lay off the pickles and ice cream, and you’ll be back there shortly after...
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“You have cheese, and you have cake. There is no reason why they should go...”
– Anna Banana, aka Skip, aka my Bestie, on her reasoning for why cheesecake is gross (it should be noted that in recent months she has had a change of heart).
Anywho, in honor of NATIONAL CHEESECAKE DAY, I thought I’d include a recipe for cheesecake cupcakes I made a few times. They’re...
Running with a Gun, Perhaps Literally
Slightly Stoopid and Snoop Dogg are playing in Vinoy Park in downtown St. Pete tomorrow night, and I REALLY want to go.
True or False: Going to a rap/reggae concert in downtown St. Petersburg will get me shot. Or mugged. Or inducted into a gang against my will.
“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime...”
– Winston Churchill
True.
A Pop Quiz
True or False: If someone decides to tailgate you on a 6-lane highway (instead of simply changing lanes) when you are already going 10 miles above the speed limit, it is perfectly okay to slow down to a speed guaranteed to piss them off further.
True or False: PB&J sandwiches are perfectly acceptable meals for breakfast, lunch, and/or dinner.
True or False: Bayside High (Saved by the Bell)...
Love Letter to Myself
Dear Self,
I’m going to give you a real treat this weekend. You’ve worked so hard, and have consequently dropped 15 pounds. With a mere 5 to go, I think it’s safe to say that you deserve one hell of a reward.
So I’m taking you shopping. I’m taking you to the mall this weekend, and I’m buying your ass some jeans that don’t fall down. The thrill of fitting...
Le Family Reunion, in Bulletpoint Form
I am related to one of the following: a vampire or the female version of the gay brother from Wedding Crashers. Either way, she’s deathly pale, wears really dark and creepy clothes, and sits in corners drawing things. She also is rarely seen in natural light.
Yelling lines from Wedding Crashers in front of said relative may/may not have happened.
One of the old ladies thought it’d...
This is the creepiest thing I've seen in a WHILE.... →
Let’s get one thing clear here: the man who did this worked at a HIGH SCHOOL.
These weren’t little kids he was doing it to. WHY THE HELL DID THEY LET HIM DO THIS? If some man came up to me when I was 14-17 years old and asked if he could pull my toes FOR ANY REASON, I’d tell him to go fuck himself and then tell as many people as it took to get him arrested/fired. What the shit...
“Never regret something that once made you smile.”
– Amber Deckers
I love this quote. Personally, I think regret is a big waste of time. So is guilt.
Why This Weekend Will Surely Blow
I have to drive almost 2 hours to Sebring, FL. For a family reunion. Do you KNOW what Sebring is famous for? Nothing. Maybe meth. But that’s it.
Don’t get me wrong. My family’s pretty cool. And by family I mean the people my grandparents birthed and their subsequent offspring— and maybe a few distant cousins. But now I have to play nice with obscure relatives that decided...
Entourage= best music ever.
Why Can’t I...
The Problem Isn't Me, The Problem Is that You're...
Man: For the past few months, I haven't been receiving any e-mails from the office.
Me: Okay, sir, I can help you with that. Let me look up the e-mail address we have for you. Okay, it seems we have _______ listed for you in our mailing list.
Man: Yes, that's it. I'm not getting any. I find it extremely insulting that you people have no problem sending me an invoice for dues and then don't keep me in the loop.
Me: Sir I don't seem to see the reason why you aren't getting our e-mails. Have you looked in your Bulk or Junk mail folder?
Man: I think it's ridiculous you people are always after my money. I'm missing all these events that I'm paying for, and I'm tired of it.
Me: Sir, are you at your computer?
Man: Yes, why?
Me: Look in your Junk mail folder.
Man: Oh, there they are. How'd they get in there?
Me: That isn't a problem on our end. You'll have to ask Yahoo. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Man: No. Well thank you for your time young lady.
Me: (hangs up phone)
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You Know It's a Good Day When...
You call your friend at 8:30 a.m.— assuming she’s awake, but she’s not— just to tell her that you discovered that ketchup indeed should be refrigerated.* She doesn’t even get mad.
A magazine that was sent to work calls itself “The Highlight of Tampa’s Cuban Corridor,” and as soon as you open it there is an advertisement for a criminal defense...
Update on the (not so) Fugly Truth...
Internship is back on track. Advisor sees error of his ways. I rule once again.
“Umm… Jeff just said ‘Breakfast time!’ and then pushed my face...”
– Sarah, who knows how to cheer me up when the days don’t start so bright and shiny.
The Good, The Bad, The Fugly
The Good:
As of this morning, I have 6.8 lbs left to lose, and there is only one pair of jeans left in the “Can’t Yet Wear It” section.
I had to give a speech at work about leaving, and I got a standing ovation (and got my mom a job!).
The Bad:
See below.
The Fugly:
My advisor, after confirming that I can get an internship, replied to my latest e-mail with “You...
Click here for the best-told story of our journey... →
Adventures in Disney, Part 2
Nerdy Guy In Line for Rockin' Roller Coaster (reading flashing marquee): HIGHWAYS BE JAMMED SO WE BE JAMMIN'!! HEY GUYS LOOK (points at my boobs where a birthday button sits). IT'S BRITTANY! BRITTANY'S BIRTHDAY IS TODAY! IT'S HER BIRTHDAY!
Me (to Sarah): Is he autistic or just really nerdy? Not sure if I should feel bad or pissed off.
Sarah: Can't he be both?
dOeS iT eVeR bOtHeR yOu wHeN gRoWn pEoPLe mAkE...
Countdown to Awesomeness
26 days until I make the cross-country move to L.A.!! Soo soon, and soo exciting!
Aaand… three days later I get to spend a week in El Paso with sexypants. Not bad, either.
Adventures in Disney, Part 1
Maggie: Why would they have Greek statues in Italy?
Me: I think they're Roman.
kapi:
Dice — Finley Quaye & William Orbit
...
Text Messaging = Not Best Way to Announce You're...
Me: Hi Marge. I'm moving to L.A.
Marge: Your text message did not reach its intended recipient. She refuses to accept it.
Reasons Why this Was/Is the Best Birthday Yet
My father humiliated me on local radio by bragging that I’ve been in a relationship for a whole two months (thought I’d start off with sarcasm).
Yummy Cuban food + Waspy South Tampa Cupcakes = WORTH. EVERY. CALORIE.
The wad of dollahbills I left with made me look like a streetcorner pimp. They have been donated to the “Maybe I Can Still Go to Vegas Fund/None of My Clothes Fit...
Please check out Joanna's blog today for the... →
I've never understood why birthdays are sad for...
“Oh, there you are, Albus,” Slughorn said. “You’ve been a very long time. Upset...”
– Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (via omgharrypotter)
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Every year my dad calls in to Mason Dixon’s radio...
Does A for Effort Count when It Comes to Eating...
Scene... Lunchtime. Algusto's Mexican Restaurant*. Downtown. Today.
Dad: Do you want any dessert?
Me: No, I'm okay.
Dad: I think I'll have some flan.
Me: You're so Cuban. What happened to watching your weight?
Dad: It's dairy.
Me: And french fries are vegetables.
Dad: Well, if you're going to have dessert, might as well have it with lunch.
Me: What nutritionist told you that?
Dad: Everyone knows that.
Me: You win. How are the pants feeling? Loose?
Dad: Do you always have to be such a smartass?
*If you haven't been here, go. They have a low-carb menu with a delicious chicken and refried bean burrito in a whole wheat tortilla. Soo good.
Love Letter to Men Who Embrace Their Moobs
Dear Jiggily Wiggly,
I understand it’s hot. It’s Florida. It’s July. It’s muggy as all hell. However, unless you have a flat stomach/chest of sorts, I would suggest that you refrain from letting your boobies and gut wobble freely as you scrape through your morning jog. It made me want to throw up my coffee.
I hear cotton is a pretty breathable material. I also hear it...
“You sort of start thinking anything’s possible if you’ve got enough...”
– J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Two reasons why tomorrow is going to be effing amazing:
1. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince is out.
2. It’s my birthday… duh.
How to Waste Taxpayer Dollars, Lesson 1
The suburb of Carrollwood is the desperate housewife of suburbs.*
So boring, living a life so uneventful, it needs to spend money just to make things more interesting.
Remember all the speed bump construction going on about, oh, 6 months ago? They’re now removing 10 of the 14 speed bumps they constructed. 10 OF THEM! Not that I’m complaining, but can you imagine how much those 10 x...
The opening song in the Season 6 premier of...
“The best things in life aren’t things.”
– I have a feeling whoever drove the crappy, pollution-mongrel car with this bumper sticker on it has a better grip on life than me.
Or it could be that they drove a shitty car and this was their attempt at self-affirmation.
“It is our choices… that show what we truly are, far more than our...”
– J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
All Starbucks Locations Are NOT Created Equally
I still have a pretty hefty balance left on my Starbucks card, and I’m not going to let a little obstacle like the closing of the Ybor Starbucks keep me from using it. So today I drove a little out of the way to try out the Carrollwood one.
Big. Fucking. Disappointment.
Not only is every housewife and her child on summer vacation there at 8:30 a.m., there are also ample meatheads from the...
