June 2009
(One of) My good mood songs. For undisclosed...
Why Today Will Be Awesomer than Yesterday
I am officially in the single-digits for the amount of weight I have left to lose… despite the fact that over the weekend I rediscovered the fact that Cool Ranch Doritos are made by Jesus.
I’m not really sure how it happened… but who am I to complain?
This is your brain on drugs, Lindsay Lohan. →
Some tips:
Put away the cocaine. And the crack. And the heroine. And the diet pills.
Wash your hair.
You aren’t Alessandra D’Ambrosio, so you should never pose with your hands in your hair.
Sisquo called. He wants his trashy thong trend back.
I think the fronts of your shoes got caught in something.
It’s okay for your thighs to touch in the middle. Really. Go eat a burger.
...
If There Is a Hell, It'd Look Like My Dentist's...
What’s worse than being stabbed repeatedly at the dentist’s office over the course of an hour?
Being told to come back the next day to have a hole drilled into your face.
“See you tomorrow!” the dentist said with a bright smile as I left his office even more frustrated and pissed off than when I entered it.
Oh yeah, I’m really fucking excited to lie in a chair...
Sometimes it’s scary how accurately a song...
I had a moment of silence (as in I was silent and...
Simple Math Equation
Thin white tank top + Torrential Downpour = FAIL
I guarantee you not one of the men I work for will have a problem with my low-cut, slightly middriff-baring white tank top, though. I love working for all men… there’s really no such thing as “not office-appropriate” (no I don’t normally dress like this, but I’m flying out to El Paso to see the boyfriend and...
1 tag
Happiness Is... Vegetarian Sloppy Joes
I LOVE sloppy joes, so I made up a recipe for a vegetarian version* that has way less calories, less than half the fat, and still just as messy as the original version. Here goes:
2/3 c Morningstar Farms burger crumbles
1/4 c low-fat tomato sauce (I used Bertolli mushroom & garlic)
1 slice Galaxy foods provolone-flavored veggie cheese slices
1 whole wheat Arnold sandwich thin
Microwave...
Holy crap... if you take Zicam, you need to read... →
Apparently it’s causing a loss of people’s sense of smell. I’ve used it a bunch of times before, which is pretty scary.
I’ve always thought Katy Perry is adorable...
Sighting: My father, riding a bicycle from my...
Some things are just too great to be fiction. I promise to take a picture next time this happens.
Thoughts on Unmarked Cars
It should be considered cheating if a cop pulls someone over in anything but a white Crown Victoria. Even the ones without lights or insignia can count (because who the hell else drives those?).
But today, as I was on my way to work, I saw a car pulled over by a PICK-UP TRUCK. Come on now. That’s like playing tag with Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak. Or playing hide-and-go-seek with...
"Diet Food" for People Who Want a Fucking Pizza
I’ve got it with pizza lately. I daydream about it. I pine for it. I can’t have it.
Kind of. I made one up that actually HELPS, not hurts my change in what I eat. Here it is, in case you wanted to try it (It totals about 200 calories and will fill you up).
1 Arnold Whole Wheat Sandwich Thin (looks like this)
1/4 c light tomato sauce (any kind you want)
1 slice of mozzarella or...
“When you absolutely cannot forgive someone who has done you wrong, it’s...”
– Wise Words from Simon
After watching 9 ½ Weeks, I can’t say that I’m not...
Reasons Why Today Is Awesome, and Promises to Make...
I made another blueberry waffle last night, so all I had to do this morning was nuke my way to happiness.
Home-made Starbucks coffee tastes as good as the real thing… and it’s exponentially cheaper.
The lunch special @ Green Iguana was teriyaki salmon… my new fave.
I’ll be making my way to El Paso to see Caleb in T-4 days.
Caleb will be making his way to Tampa in T-11...
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support...”
– Drew Carey
It's Like I'm Packing for a 72-Hour Picnic
I’m meeting up with Marge in Neptune Beach for the weekend, and I’m bringing two suitcases— one full of food.
I’m kind of on a roll with this eating healthy thing, and I don’t want to mess things up when I’m doing so well. So chilling in my office’s minifridge until my departure are the following: turkey/veggie/hummus wrap, grilled chicken honey mustard...
1 tag
Dear World,
Today I’m wearing a pair of size 4 Abercrombie jeans that were recently moved out of the “Can’t Fit Into” section of my closet (now only housing 2 pairs of jeans and 1 pair of capris from 2003).
Yeah, I said it. Size. Fucking. Four.
Unfortunately, they’re the only size 4 I wear, but still. These jeans have the number 4 on the tag— and the tag don’t lie,...
“You ain’t got no ammo? None but that half-shell shit? What am I...”
– The redneckiest of rednecks at Wal-Mart, while I was waiting to have a key made.
Consider the following:
With or without a gun, a man who has to rely on a scooter to be mobile is not a threat to ANY intruder. Not even a raccoon.
If you were that into guns and drove a great distance to get to...
The Devastating Truth About My Favorite Liquor(s)
I got a little curious as to how many calories are in the drinks I usually order, and I wanted to cry. No wonder skinny people hate life… they’re always sober. Here goes the list:
Margarita: 280 calories each (so long, little buddy)
Tequila shot: 100 calories (I’ll be having you this weekend)
Rum and Diet: 100 calories (I’ll be having you, too)
Rum and reg. Coke: 185...
1 tag
You Have Much to Learn, Old Grasshopper
Dad: I’ve been eating really healthy lately. I eat cereal for breakfast.
Me: You need to start eating more protein with breakfast. You get hungry too quickly after. And you probably aren’t even eating whole grains.
Dad: Okay. What about bacon?
Me: Umm.... no. That’s not healthy.
Dad: But it’s protein!
Me: So is a Big Mac.
It's Kind of Hard to Keep a Straight Face...
When your lady-doctor reminds you of Dr. Ruth, and starts making conversation with you as if it’s not totally awkward as to what part of you she’s making eye contact with.
And when she starts talking about birth control like it was always no big deal to her growing up in the 1950s.
And tries to be hip, as she stands there in pantyhose and orthopedic sandals.
Never a dull moment with...
“I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than...”
– Thomas Jefferson
Holy shit was he on the money.
Two Things...
1. Most ridiculous news headline, courtesy of Bay News 9: “Teens Need to Drink Less Soda and More Milk”
Holy shit. Groundbreaking journalism alert.
2. Remedy for my sudden pizza craving:
Half of a whole wheat English muffin, meat sauce (or plain red sauce with Boca Burger crumbles… but meat is soo much better), and provolone or mozzarella-flavored soy cheese on top. Not exactly my own...
“I got yo’ package. That’s what she said.”
– My mother, notifying me that my neon eyeshadow and turquoise nail polish have arrived at her house via UPS.
She’s so hip.
There's No Better Way to Start the Week Than...
Burning a new CD for your morning/afternoon commute (I was actually sad to get out of my car when I got to work).
Finding out you didn’t get as fat as you thought you did from being a bad, bad girl all weekend.
Being super perky from a cup of Starbucks that only costs $1.77 and 40 calories.
Life is good.
“That’s the key to having it all: stop expecting it to look like what you...”
– Sex and the City
Lessons Learned from this Weekend
Saving money by staying in is the worst effing idea ever.
Mia is the cutest little girl that ever lived, but unfortunately has inherited my sometimes unsavory attitude.
It is impossible for me to buy others presents without buying something for myself too.
(in reference to #3) I absolutely love my new red lip gloss/eyeshadow/eyeliner. And bubble bath stuff. And book.
(in reference to #4) This...
Land of the Needs-to-Get-Lost
Anna Banana and I saw Land of the Lost, and I feel cheated. Cheated that I don’t do drugs.
I feel like Will Ferrell, the ape man, the little lizard people, and all the criss-crossing subplots could have been appreciated with a good toke or perhaps some shrooms. I’m assuming that if I were in some kind of drug-induced stupor, I wouldn’t have constantly looked over at Anna and...
New Theme
Whaddya think?
Hey Asian Lady, You're SATAN
I’ve been buying these Asian pasta dishes for lunch over the past few months because they’re all natural, low calorie, low fat, you know… good for you. I thought I was eating a little 200 calorie lunch with only 6 grams of fat, being ever the good little dieter— all while getting my Pad Thai and occasional Curry fix. It wasn’t a very big serving by ANY means, but at...
1 tag
How You Know You Didn't Get Enough Sleep Last...
…on your way to work, you absent-mindedly run your fingers through your hair… and stop at a lock with maple syrup in it.
Apparently it’s impossible to eat blueberry Eggos when one is partially unconscious. Or it is possible, but you’ll be wearing the evidence all day.
L-O-V-E the remake of this song. Not new by any...