Who doesn’t remember this song? I had the...
If a Senile Old Man Does It... Is It Still...
One of my dad’s best friends died on Monday, and we went to his family’s house last night. His father was there, a ripe 95 years old, and I decided to give him a hug (despite not really knowing him) to tell him that I was sorry for his loss. He responded with the following lines (not necessarily in order): “Heyy is she married?” “Wow, 22! Better Hurry up...
Swine Flu= Excitement?
Sarah: Ohmygod Brittany, I'm so excited about the swine flu, and you're the only person I could tell.
Me: Wait, I'm transcribing this to later blog. That opening line was amazing.
Sarah: The last time the swine flu hit, it killed 20,000 people, and it was in 1918!!
Sarah: 1918! It's what Edward Cullen almost died of!!
Me: Well, my mom is afraid of me catching it when I'm in El Paso.
Sarah: It's okay, if you die I'll find a vampire to come bite you.
Me: But what if I become one and they all turn out to be ugly?
Sarah: So you're not nervous about them existing, just that they'll be ugly?
Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It’s not a day...– Margaret Thatcher (This is geared toward myself as a gentle reminder to finish/turn in my final paper already.)
Why I Need to Get a New Job, Reason #879
The old man who lives next door to my office has begun sitting on his walker (apparently they sell them with benches now) near my office’s front door. He doesn’t say hi when I say hello, smile back when I smile at him, or even make the slightest change in his facial expression. I think he may be senile. And now he’s taken to stalking me. He has been perched a mere 4 feet in...
SHOW ME THE MONEY
F-Tard: Yeah I'm gonna give you $40 instead of $90 for the bills.
Me: Pardon? Why?
F-Tard: I wasn't here that much this month.
Me: Too bad it was from last month, which I had to pay on my own so the electricity didn't get shut off. Give me $90 or I'm hiding the mail key. Good luck getting your next paycheck without being able to unlock the mailbox.
F-Tard: Fuck. Fine, here.
What... Too Soon?
Sarah: I think-- ultimately-- that people are good.
Me: I'm pretty sure Anne Frank said that.
Me: Right before she was interned.
Why Yes I Am a Pilates Expert, Thank You for...
I went to my first pilates class today, and it was nice to find out that I didn’t totally suck. Evangeline, the girl working out next to me, decided to go all out on her first day and match her acrylic nails to her electric blue unitard— complete with stirrups. And if you’re wondering, no, I did not rock a unitard. Or even a leotard. Next class on Thursday!!
I’ve put this song on here before, but...
There Isn't Much That's Funnier...
… than seeing a former friend so afraid to look you in the eye that she hides behind her boyfriend as you say hello to the other people around her. It’s pretty bad when a dirty look is considered a step up on the maturity scale. BTDub, yes, I could see you. It was very, very amusing. I had a laugh. So… thanks.
Sorry for Throwing You Under the Bus, Keli
Dude: Hey, are you from around here?
Me: Umm... yes?
Dude: Cool, I'm in town from Charlotte. Just came for a visit.
Me: Why the hell did you pick Tampa?
Dude: I dunno... what are you doing after this?
Me: Going home, bud. I live here... it's not exactly a special occasion.
Dude: Well let's make it a special occasion.
Me: Yeah... no thanks. Hey, Keli wants to have a special occasion!!
THE F-TARD IS GONE, THE F-TARD IS GONE, THANK GODALMIGHTY… THE F-TARD IS GOOOOONE!!! Room mate from hell/the puking wonder is moving out at the end of this week— a month ahead of schedule. Looks like my new habit of making smoothies at 6:00 a.m. had the desired effect.
… is my boss on Facebook chat? Way to catch me not working in the middle of the day.
Yes... I Took It to a New Level of Creepy
I just enabled video comments. Be creepy. Be creative. Be interesting. To use them, click on “Use Media” underneath the comment box. You don’t actually need to register.
Thoughts on Non-Holiday Holidays
This week has a ridiculous amount of non-holiday holidays. What’s a non-holiday holiday, you ask? Any day that’s marked as something on the calendar… but still obligates me to show up at work. 4/20: A holiday for some, a reason for others to be annoyed with the dozens of people’s Facebook statuses publicly bragging about recreational drug use. Administrative...
How to Tell When You're Going to Have a Long Day
While brushing your teeth, you lose concentration and accidentally gag yourself. Twice. And then puke. Everything. While your dog watches and wonders why your face is in the toilet (and secretly wants to know if she’s allowed to stick her face in the toilet, too). But you don’t have time to eat again, so you go to work sans breakfast. And you forgot to turn the coffeemaker on, so you...
I think my feelings for George Michael are the...
My Dog, The Goat
I think Dakota has pica. There really is no other explanation for how her appetite has suddenly likened itself to a billy goat’s, eating not only her food, but has moved on to stranger things like chewing clothes, licking the carpet, and now…. she’s licking the walls (most likely trying to get a few paint chips off to munch on). Maybe tonight I’ll surprise her with a towel...
This is genius. AND he got tipped. →
I think I’ve found my new part-time job.
Not Even the Most Advanced Coffeemaker Prevents...
This morning was definitely one for the strongest coffee my little espressomaker could crank out. Imagine my face when I went to pour the finished product into my mug… only to find out I never put coffee grounds in the damn coffeemaker. Nobody likes steamed water at 7:00 a.m.
Lessons Learned from this Weekend, El Passhole...
Sausage fests are my favorite, hands-down. If I could attend one every day for the rest of my life, I’d be okay with that. Sometimes the Yankees make it really hard for me to tell people how much I love them. Try as I might, I will NEVER be able to keep up with my college self. It’s fun to brag to Westpoint graduates that when you were in school, you got out of class at 1, just in...
You Know You're in El Paso When...
The bathroom at the bar displays a sign warning about the dangers of drinking when you’re knocked up. And… then repeats it in Spanish.
Whole New Level...
Drunk posting on your father’s Facebook wall.
Yeah, Brittany has a blog. Not like a ‘I wanna kill myself’ blog...– AnnMarie, explaining to the army boys that me having a blog doesn’t necessarily mean I’m suicidal. Thanks for talking me up, sis.
We hung out at an Irish Pub (yes, an Irish Pub in...
Guess who got to her gate 20 minutes after showing...
Guess who has to sit on her ass at the gate for an hour and a half. People watching in front of Starbucks is pretty entertaining, though. So is the eccentric Granny next to me who turned 6 Livestrong bracelets of varying colors into anklets (her pink polka dot reading glasses are pretty hot too… in all seriousness). If I ever live to be a granny, I’ll be her protege.
Unoriginality Is the New Black
What is it with everyone’s tagline “____ is the new black?” Pink is the new black! Competition is the new black! Collecting children and creating a reality show about it is the new black! Let’s take a step back, rethink our advertising strategies, and come up with something a little more original— perhaps something that makes sense. Yes I realize you mean to say...
This song has been assaulting my radio for the...
Subtle Message: You Need God
Today, under the ever-annoying “Suggestions” section on Facebook, it was recommended I become a “fan” of God. What’s funnier is that only 3 of my friends are currently fans of him. Either there’s lots of closet athiests, lots of people ashamed to be public fans of the g-o-d, or he needs to hire some new PR people to get his name out there.
If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.– Bill Lyon
Does It Make Me a Bad Person If...
every time I check the mail and only find things addressed to my room mate, I shove the contents back into the mailbox (somewhat less gingerly than the postman would have)?
Bitter People Doing Stupid Shit... or "Why the...
So let’s take a minute to REALLY think about the tea parties supposedly going on all over the country today. This demonstration of disappointment in the government is supposed to model the Boston Tea Party… but they’re leaving out one very important thing— the tea thrown into the harbor was STOLEN. The whole point of throwing it all into the water was to say “Ha! Look...
It seems a theme emerges today, called...
Let's Not Be Assholes in Public
Barista: That'll be $4.18.
Anna: Hey Brit do you have 18 cents so I don't have to break a 20?
Me: Yeah, I have exactly 18 cents, actually.
Anna: How did you KNOW that that's exactly how much I'd need?!!
Anna: Him and his powers, I tell you.
Laughter ensues, we look like jackasses.
Move bitch, get out the way. Get out the way, bitch, get out the way. If you see...– Me, rapping to a man who was in the middle of the street talking to a parked car, causing him to be— you guessed it— in my way. Oh, yes. Apparently Ludacris said this at some point, too.
This is definitely one of my new favorite songs. ...