December 2009
This Past Year I...
Took a stab at grad school.
Fell in love.
Fell out of love.
Learned to snowboard.
Lost 15 pounds.
Moved across the country.
Interned at two amazing shows.
For the first time, got a job 100% on my own.
Out of any other year I’ve been alive, I think this year was the first one I actually lived. And you know what? There isn’t one single thing I’d change about it.
...
Did you guys know that "every time a man makes...
bestiesonice:
Me neither.
That’s what I get for watching Animal Planet’s “Extreme Dads” while on the treadmill at the gym.
That’s almost enough to impregnate all the women in the Duggar Family.
How I Spent My Winter Vacation
16 boxes packed.
8 trash bags of things to donate.
I’m finally cleaning out my condo in Tampa, and I’m trying to eat rice with leftover chopsticks… because all my silverware is packed.
I’m sure this will all seem better when it’s all moved to L.A. and I’m curled up on my huge leather sofa and watching HDTV on my 42” LCD— with little Dakota in my...
“Does this counteract birth control? Fuck— sorry Mom.”
– Me in the walk-in clinic, asking questions about my Z-pack (with Selena in the room).
No one wants to appear in an episode of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.
This song is in my mother’s iTunes library....
Mia just got caught watching a Snoop Dogg music...
She gets more and more like me every day.
Last night, I tried to explain to someone at a bar...
Sometimes I really hate/love/hate Tampa.
I’m sick. Not mute, showoff.
Mission: Impossible
Spend 24 hours with Simon without killing one another. Despite best efforts, politics will inevitably come up.
Status as of 5:30 pm: So far so good, minus one comment: “Sarah Palin is NOT a fucking retard, Brittany.” I beg to differ, Popsy. I’ve decided to take a break and go for a run. Best not to push my luck.
Mission accomplished. Dropped Simon off at the airport, no...
Selena Attempts/Fails at a Christmas Morning Funny
Me: I like when the grits that are all stuck together like that.
Mom: That's what she said.
Me: No, Mom. No.
For those of you who don’t know what Christmas Eve is like for the Cubans… allow me to tell you what you’re missing.
For Latin families, Christmas Eve, or Nochebuena, is all about the food. Well, okay… presents too— but mostly the food. We roast an entire pig over coals that’s been marinated overnight in mojo (pronounced “mo-ho,” a bitter orange...
“I should be able to take care of your water heater tomorrow, but my day is...”
– My landlord
EXCUSE FAIL EXCUSE FAIL EXCUSE FAIL
This is Why It Looks Like You've Been Carrying a...
Me: Why don't we take a yoga class on the 26th? You haven't done that in a while.
Dad: I'd rather just shop and eat. MAYBE the gun range.
Me: My dad wants to spend all day together on the 26th before he leaves town. I suggested we go to the gun range. I think a day with my dad will go much easier if I'm packing.
Mike: Scary.
Christmas-Gram FAIL
A girl just came into our office and delivered brownies, muffins, and cold milk and sang “Jingle Bell Rock.” Here’s why she failed:
She needs singing lessons if she’s going to make any kind of money off that voice.
She was wearing a pink sweatshirt that said “Georgia” on it. Where is your elf costume?
She came to the wrong office. The entire spectacle was...
hot or not
nathangotsch:
You know when you discover a new Tumblr you kind of like and then spend half an hour going through it looking for photos of the person who writes it so you can see if they’re hot?
Wouldn’t it be great if they just tagged all their photos of themselves and linked to it right on their front page?
You’re welcome.
(Feel free to do the same and save me time like I have for you.)
...
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they...”
– Fats Domino
Note to Simon: I’ll probably be reciting this over break, because I can already see this subject is going to come up.
Figure out how many calories you burn during... →
Sure, treadmills and ellipticals keep track of calories burned, but what about 60 minutes of hiking in Runyon? Or that hour-long yoga or pilates class? Or water aerobics (if you’re 80)?
1 tag
“I like your black and blue outfit. It looks like you’ve been bruised all...”
– My boss really knows how to throw out a compliment.
I’m guessing a joke about being abused is inappropriate for work…
Nothing says Christmas like listening to Run DMC...
Jo... You Left at the Right Time
The pilot light on our water heater went out last night, which meant yours truly just stepped out of a freezing cold shower.
I’m pretty sure my nose job was less painful.
“I’ll answer with the famous Spinal Tap quote, ‘What’s wrong...”
– Shakira
I’m a big fan of traditions with a twist, so...
“Look at these presents! Brittany’s such a good wrapper. She’s more...”
– my boss (who is in his 60s and was given the rapper name “Slick A” by Ice T himself)
I responded with “That’s fine, as long as we’re not like Tupac and Notorious B.I.G. Things could get ugly.”
1 tag
The Walk of Shame Down the Walk of Fame
Thank you to:
Marisa- for making me your date at the Kimmel Christmas party.
the open bar- for making me hate my life today
the receptionist at Kimmel- for being mildly retarded every day, but especially for getting so drunk she tried to dance with/sexually assault Jimmy Kimmel’s girlfriend
my car- for not minding that I made you sleep in a parking garage. Again. For the second time in...
12 30-Minute Meals Given a Healthy Makeover →
Healthy food that doesn’t take forever to make. Take that, Rachel Ray.
Iron Man 2 Trailer →
May CANNOT come soon enough!!
“When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion.”
– Abraham Lincoln
Since We're Doing Tumblr Diet Promises...
I’m taking a cue from Wifey and making a diet promise on Tumblr.
I need to learn some self control around deliciously fatty foods. I need to not attack dessert tables at Christmas parties, continuously “taste” the baked goods I make, and I need to not blow a whole day’s worth of healthy eating by turning myself into a Thanksgiving turkey and stuffing myself at whatever...
Sometimes, when walking back from Starbucks, you...
I almost wish it was him who saw me fall yesterday. Getting an “Uhh.. are you okay?” from Ashton Kutcher would be 1000x better than from a group of strangers.
Why, Yes, I Did Mean to Get Your Attention in This...
As I was leaving work yesterday, I walked to the bottom of the stairs and turned the corner into the parking lot. My boots had smooth soles with no traction. The floor was tile. There were about 6 young crew members from the forthcoming Valentine’s Day hanging out outside their office. Off I went, slipping and flying backwards onto my sadly unpadded left asscheek and right wrist.
Nothing...
“It’s too early for the F-bomb! Not until after 1.”
– Overheard in my office.
Never, never, is it too early for the F-bomb. True story.
“Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something...”
– Christopher Morley
The Downside of Always Telling Kids to Try Harder →
An interesting look at what happens to kids who are always told to “try harder,” instead of recognizing their successes (spoiler: they give up). Luckily Simon wasn’t this extreme. And we weren’t doormats.
“If a problem has no solution, it may not be a problem, but a fact— not to...”
– Shimon Peres
I love this.
1 tag
All I Want for Christmas...
… is to save the rainforests by not having to go through a box of tissues a day.
Fuck this cold. Really.
