October 2008
... And Talk about Suspicious
There is a woman walking around in a floor-length trenchcoat— in Florida. I hope she got a body scan too.
Apparently Pale Cubans Look Like Terrorists, Too
I’m sitting next to a Pizza Hut in the airport right now. And people are actually buying pizza. It’s 7:00 a.m. There is no breakfast pizza in the morning. Does ground beef and extra cheese really hit the spot when it’s not even light outside yet?
I stood next to a gorgeous blonde on the tram to my terminal, and next to him when we waited to go through security. I bet it made me...
What a Wundaful Weekend...
Friday: taking off work, off to Halloween myself with AnnMarie in El Passhole
Saturday: more shenanigans in El Passhole, army boys in tow
Sunday: return… NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK CONCERT!!!!!!
This weekend seems to be too much. I may be one of those girls who cries at the concert from an overwhelming sense of joy. But… don’t count on it.
Seat 14B... aka the Very Last Row
You know what they call planes that are 14 rows long? A puddlejumper.
You know what else they call them? The plane I’m taking from Houston to El Passhole.
If you pray, pray for me. If you don’t… start.
Love Letter to the Rays
Dear Matt Garza… and the rest of you,
Sorry you lost the World Series. Well, okay, no I’m not. Have fun next season. I’ll be the one breaking out my Yankees shirt again. Also, sorry you’re stuck in St. Pete while we actually let the Yankees play in Tampa, and I hope more fans finally start coming to all your games (even though you were beat by people from the dirtiest city...
Saving Energy, Losing Patience
Since it’s been in the frigid 40s lately, I decided to conserve a little energy by completely turning off my A/C. Good for the environment, better for my wallet, I figured.
No, actually. Not so good. Because now I’m walking around my house with sweatpants, a sweatshirt, my Uggs, and a runny nose. Now I look ridiculous, and I’ll probably have to get medicine, which will probably...
Victoria's Secret PINK! is making a line of... →
Deviated Septums... a Celebrity Epidemic?
I think it’s ridiculous how many celebrities say the reason they got a nosejob was because of a deviated septum. The funny thing is, if the only problem was a deviated septum there is absolutely no reason to touch anything but the inside of the nose. The actual appearance of the nose would stay the exact same.
Case 1: My dad had a deviated septum and hated his nose. So, he got a nosejob AND...
Additions to the Costume...
I will now be carrying around a flute, for which I will be taking special requests to play your favorite rap songs.
AnnMarie also insisted I wear a tiara she just bought me that will fit nicely on top of my “Palin Poof.”
Too much? Not enough? Should I wear a Miss Wasilla sash?
NEWSFLASH
Simon, the staunch Republican (“Global warming is nothing more than a natural phenomenon.”), has just admitted that George W. Bush is not a very good president.
Well, now. Welcome to the rest of the world. So nice of you to join us so late into his longer-than-necessary-presidency.
It would have sounded so much better if he hadn’t followed it up with, “Nixon was actually...
"Hi, This is Joe Biden..."
So I just received a “personal ” call from Mr. Joe Biden himself during my lunch break, suggesting that I watch his and Barack’s TV special tonight (as opposed to the much more thrilling shows still unwatched on my DVR).
When I first heard, “Hi, this is Joe Biden…” I thought it was some smartass old man, seeing as several of the men I work for like to prank...
Fun, perky song to get ready to in the morning (or...
Oh, Dakota
My dog and I matched this morning. I wanted to punch myself.
She wore her one outfit— her red houndstooth sweater— and as we walked out of the door hand-in-hand, I noticed she matched perfectly with my houndstooth jacket (my $5 Sarah Palin jacket that’s actually really cute) and stockings.
I swear… I didn’t mean to. But, she DID look pretty cute in her little...
What would it REALLY be like if Palin ever became... →
Thanks for the link, Nicole!
Little Miss Rock 'n Roll... Kind Of
Three reasons as to why I’m loving the chilliness outside:
I get to wear my…
New black bomber jacket.
Pink houndstooth emo scarf without getting funny looks.
New black boots.
That’s it. Little things— like getting to wear all new clothes— make me real excited. :)
This song was on yet another one of the CW’s...
The sad part is that the people who need to be... →
These people disgust me. Please, go back to writing love poetry to your immediate relatives.
“If you want to see the girl next door, go next door.”
– Joan Crawford
Finally found my old London blog. →
Recessions are Selective?
How can it be possible that some companies have to cut 1/4 of their workforce, while MAC Cosmetics can afford to have someone squat in a live chatroom and answer questions about how to make smoky eyes? And where can I go to get this job?
Why Mia Has Better Fashion Sense Than Most Adults
Mia: Brittany look, this is a snakeskin belt.
Me: Yeah, you're right.
Later...
Mia: Those ankle boots you want are alligator boots.
Me: You're right, they are.
Still later, in a dressing room...
Me: Mia I don't really like this dress, it doesn't have any shape and it's not flattering.
Mia: So what if you put a belt with it?
(For those of you who don't know... Mia is 7)
Please Move Your Shitty Green Car, Sir
When it comes to the excessive amounts of handicapped spots businesses are forced to have, I’m usually the one balking at it.
Yet, when you work at a place where the age range of residents is 75-130, don’t you think they need every single one of them?
Maintenance dude with the ponytail (aka Mr. Filch) feels the need to park his circa 1989 green sedan right in front of the service...
You Know You Need to Slow Down When...
You don’t even realize that you’re wearing your Yankees shirt instead of your Rays shirt until AFTER you’ve arrived at a Rays game cookout.
They’re the same color, same size, and both have the necks cut off (circa Flashdance), but they have two completely different graphics on the front.
Not until someone said, “Nice shirt, tool,” did I realize the blunder.
Please, No More Muscle Milk.
I’ve decided that having to listen to a guy talk about eating a ton because they want to “gain weight” is about as interesting for a girl as it is for a guy to hear about a girl’s newest diet.
When Hovering Is a Good Thing
Since my grandmother is the only person I know willing to sit in my condo for an entire day while new windows get put in, I had her come yesterday while the window guy did his thing. Well, silly me for thinking he’d be in at 8am and out my 11 or 12 at the latest. I called my grandmother at about 4:30pm and in broken English my grandmother said, “Breeny, they look be-yoo-ti-full. He is...
Congratulations!!
Lil Wayne is a babydaddy… for the second time.
My Brother, the Gossip Queen
Me: (referring to PSA featuring Tom Brady) Tom Brady is such a douchebag. He has a kid with a really hot girl and not only dumped her but doesn't give a shit about his kid.
Alex: No, he has two kids and one on the way.
Me: With who??
Alex: Giselle Bundchen. He's gonna marry her, too.
Me: Umm, okay, Perez Hilton.
Alex: What? No! I know everything a-about... sports.
The Hots and Nots of Attending World Series...
I’ve decided to put together a list of what is and isn’t kosher at a baseball game…. so here goes:
HOT: Getting buzzed enough to not be embarassed to dance to ALL the players’ entrance music.
NOT: Getting shitfaced and nicknaming teams “Obama” and “McCain” because of their respective blue and red uniforms (and yelling this throughout the game).
...
“Life must be understood backwards; but… it must be lived forward.”
– Soren Kierkegaard
I Just Realized...
There is a very good chance I’ve visited more countries than Sarah Palin.
Does that mean I have more foreign policy experience?
Love Letter to My Dog
Dear Dakota,
Despite trends, I promise I will not force you to wear a Halloween costume… or any clothes really.* You may play naked if you’d like.
Also… please stop eating the styrofoam balls left from the box the entertainment center came in. I’m well aware I need to vacuum, thankyouverymuch.
Love,
Your Mom
*This excludes wearing your red houndstooth sweater when...
I'd really like to give you a raise, honest. It's... →
It’s not a very pretty world for ugly people.
Love Letter to Simon... I Need $$
Dear Simon,
Could you please give me $800 to take a cooking class? That would be wonderful. Thanks.
Love,
I’ll Never Cook Again if You Don’t
Best. Wheel of Fortune. Ever. →
(via bestiesonice)
HAHAHAHA… really?
Solution to Grocery Store Mixup...
Honey-glazed buttermilk chicken nuggets w/ barbecue sauce and buttermilk mashed potatoes (and maybe a bleu cheese sauce on top).
Sounds like a ridiculously healthy dinner to me.
Hey… at least I accidentally got fat free buttermilk. The egg nog would’ve definitely tasted better, though.
Grocery Store Fuckups
The cashier’s fuckup:
Forgetting to ring up my Starbucks espresso beans, saving me $9.
My fuckup:
Thinking I was picking up a carton of eggnog, which turned out to be a carton of fat free buttermilk.
What the hell can you make with buttermilk? Recipe to follow.
Without Rap...
… there would be no Lil Wayne to make mental insanity a cool thing. See also: lack of a tailor for one’s pants, poor enunciation, and extreme substance abuse.
… there would be no T Pain to make people with voiceboxes cool. It gives all those lifelong cigarette smokers a new leash on life. Voice box removed? Become a robotlike rapper.
However, without the above, the song...
It appears my semi-formal date from freshman year... →
Forget the mall... take a Prozac instead? →
Don’t worry. It’s not that you have no self-control when you’re around cute dresses and miniskirts; you’re just depressed.
Medicate. Medicate. Medicate?
Lessons Learned from this Weekend...
Blaming bad reception is a perfectly good excuse from getting away from anyone. It’s not like they’ll make it to El Paso to find out for themselves.
Being Latin doesn’t automatically make it okay for you to show off “curves.” I subscribe to the belief that there is a thin (or in a few people’s cases… very thick) line between curves and rolls.
Wearing...
